I know that you folks are expecting the story of me and Sue, or the story of the end of me and Sue. It's been
almost a week now since I pushed her camper back onto the main road. Since the last big fight things have
gone down hill fast, to the point that we agreed that we'd be better of apart. Just the lack of television to
"look at the racin shows" was enough to drive her crazy on the weekends. I was all prepared to get the
satellite for her until we got into one of those epic domestic battles that ends everything, for sure, how can I
help you pack your crap right now?
It was last Friday night and I was out in the camper drinking and listening to music with Sue. It's pretty close
quarters so using the bathroom isn't really a private event and I could not help but notice that Sue always
urinated standing up. I also could not help but notice that it sounded like a man urinating, but even louder
and more erratic. For your information the flatulence was terrible; lots of long wet farts but I never brought
that up. Back to the story about this alarming discovery of Sue's bathroom tricks. For a while I couldn't bring
it up but after we did about ten shots of cheap tequila I had to ask her how she did it.
"Precious?" I gently asked
"No talkin about teeths Ace!" she hissed back at me
"I know sweety but I was wondering about when you go the bathroom...."
"What about that?!?" Sue answered with immediate agitation
"Well you don't sit down like most gals" I quietly prompted
"You.....yous watchin me?" Sue said as her eyes squinted shut and she started getting ready to attack.
"I just was sitting here and could see you and was wondering why you don't sit down too pee?" I asked while
backing away from her immediate reach.
She just stared at me for about a minute and then took a big gulp out of a bottle.
"When I was a lil one I was a lil boy, then I got big and turned into a gal" she said calmly, staring off into
space.
"But it stayed" she said and started to look agitated again.
"What stayed?" I asked bracing for the answer.
"This weenis" she said as she pointed to her private area.
Now I was kinda sick and kinda scared at the same time after hearing what I thought I heard. For the first
time ever Precious Sue seemed vunerable and was acting very meek. She started to say to herself "I'm
hermitted, I'm not hermitted", over and over. About ten minutes went by and I excused myself from the
camper.
"No you ain't leavin'!" Sue barked and I saw that look in her eye....
We kinda just stared at each other for a few minutes when I decided to bolt for the house. As I bolted she
lurched at me but missed and fell in between the front seats. When I got to the house I was relieved that she
wasn't chasing me so I got myself in the loft and pulled the ladder up with me for insurance against a late
night attack. Before long I could hear the Alice Cooper music start up and what sounded like Sue hitting her
head against something hard.
I tried to keep one eye open the whole night long but at some point I nodded off. When I woke up the
house was filled with smoke and I could tell that the front porch was on fire. Precious Sue lit a rubber tire
under the porch and was trying to get her RV out of the driveway when I walked outside. I smothered the
burning tire with snow and ran out to the RV to find out what was happening.
"What are you doing Sue?" I asked.
"Goin back to Macon....I don't like you anymore Ace" she plainly said.
"Alright" I said, "I'll give you a push".